Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
