So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
