i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
