I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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