You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
