I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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