I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
