I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
