Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
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my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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