I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
