i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
