He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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