If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
