my shit smells like andre
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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