Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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