all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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