I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Randomize