my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
