if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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