I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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