just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
