come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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