I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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