either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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