I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
