I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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