you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i believe in u and ur pee
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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