the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
