I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
