that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
