ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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