Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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