Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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