I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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