Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
