I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My life is pants optional.
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