did you get engaged???
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
