So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
