fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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