you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
