I wish I only lived at night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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