I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
