JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
