She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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