last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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