just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
