Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my being single is dangerous.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
