just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
