he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
