i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
