May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
