On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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