don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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