I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
