My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
