I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
