take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
