It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
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We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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