I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually